Ramana sakhi (part -2) My mistake !!
Dear...
I no longer know what to call you... If I call you mine, my heartbeat quickens, my breath catches. But if I call you a stranger, it feels as though my life is slipping away. This isn’t a letter, it’s the commotion of my heart that I’m putting down. I don’t know whom to confide in... I want to tell you, but... I can’t, because whenever you’re in front of me, there’s nothing left to say. And when you leave, it feels like life has returned to those lost words. I just want to dance all day, calling your name, and dress up just for you.
Those few moments of memories with you made me lose my mind. I can’t even describe what this time has done to me. And now that you’ve promised to meet again, I can’t express how hard each moment is to pass!
I’m writing this letter so that I can tell you everything that I forget when I look into your eyes. Next time when you leave, I’ll give you this letter, so that you can take my feelings with you when you go. Even if we can’t be together, perhaps I can remain a memory with you, though it might not mean anything to you.
The old letter... maybe you never even received it. Never mind, I’ll start again! That time, when we were leaving in the bullock cart, I was looking around with a heavy heart, thinking I may never see you again. But suddenly, you appeared from among the trees and sat right next to me. My smile froze, my heart was racing, and your fragrance... You were traveling with us for half the journey, and I kept hoping that something would happen and you would stay. Miracles kept happening to me that day. Due to bad weather, we actually had to stop. We stayed with some acquaintances, and while working, I kept glancing at you. Our eyes met so many times, and every time I thought, ‘No, I won’t look again,’ but my gaze kept returning to you.
That night, I couldn’t sleep, because the one who steals my sleep was so close. You were outside, sleeping, so I quietly snuck out just to take a glance at you. You were sitting outside, looking at the sky, and I was watching you from behind. I sat in a corner by the door, gazing at you, and don’t know when I fell asleep. I woke up to the sound of birds chirping, there was a faint light outside, the sun was about to rise, but you weren’t sitting where you were last night. My heart started to yearn to see you again, and I began looking for you quickly but quietly. You don’t know how precious every glimpse of you is to me. If only I could tell you!
From a distance, I saw you lying by the riverbank. With a soft smile, I started walking towards you, and my heart began to race again. I didn’t want to wake you because you looked so peaceful... like a rosebud ready to bloom. Your closed eyes made your face look even more innocent. You always seem so gentle, but at that moment, it was as if a newborn baby had just arrived in the world. Were you playing some cosmic game that day? Because you and the universe seemed to be in sync! As you slowly opened your eyes, the sun began to rise. The more your eyes opened, the more the sun seemed to embrace its full form, as if it had been waiting for you! That day, it felt like there weren’t just one, but two suns in the sky — your eyes were the other two. And sometimes it felt as though there were three suns — your two eyes and the actual sun. Your lips quivered as if a rose was swaying in the breeze. Your tousled hair looked like thick branches of a tree with lush flowers. I didn’t know how to take it all in... your every feature was like an ocean, and I wanted to drown in it!
Oh, I forgot to tell you. When you stretched and yawned, I don’t know why, but I felt shy. I can’t explain it, but you looked so good! And then, suddenly, you looked in my direction. Until that moment, I had been secretly watching you, but then I felt like I had committed a crime. I quickly turned my gaze towards the river and started walking towards a blooming lotus flower, just to hide my nervousness. I didn’t have the courage to look back, and now, instead of the lotus flower, I could only see you. Your image wouldn’t leave my mind. I saw your pink attire in the lotus flowers as if you were adorned with a garland of leaves.
Because of this strange turmoil in my heart, my foot suddenly slipped, and I fell into the river. The current was a bit strong, and I felt like I might drown. The cold water made my whole body shiver. Suddenly, I felt warmth around my waist, a sensation I had never felt before, so I can’t even describe it. You were behind me... Even writing this makes me blush; imagine what it must have been like at that moment! You pulled me towards you with one hand, and wherever I felt your touch, it was as if I had been reborn. When you turned me around... it felt like you had struck me with your gaze. Seeing you so close, feeling your touch, it was like experiencing the doorway to liberation. At that moment, I couldn’t think at all; my mind had stopped working. Perhaps you were saying something to me, but I was lost in your world, so I couldn’t hear anything.
You brought me out with your support, and once we were out, I didn’t want to let go of you. I was still under the spell of your magical eyes. You called my name loudly to snap me out of it, and then I noticed your lips. I’ve always admired their softness, but seeing them up close that day... I couldn’t resist. Even now, I seek your forgiveness. Without asking, I wanted to experience the fragrance of that rose and I did.... But that moment... I can’t write about it. Just thinking about it sends me into another state. Perhaps you were startled by my actions too. After a few moments, I suddenly realized what I had done. I pushed you away and ran towards the house without looking back.
I wanted to hide my face and disappear. I didn’t have the courage to face you. I felt so guilty for having done that without asking... for trying to enter your garden without permission. When you came back later, you behaved as if everything was normal. I didn’t have the courage to meet your eyes, not even sideways glances this time. I went and sat in the cart early so I wouldn’t have to look at you. I don’t know what you must be thinking of me. While leaving, Father made you promise to come back. You promised, but I don’t know if you will return. For me, your promise is enough to keep waiting, and to live in the memory of my mistake and of you. On one hand, I’m afraid of how I’ll face you, but on the other, I know we’ll meet again. I know there’s nothing from your side, which is why you didn’t look at me even once after that. You must be thinking I’m crazy. Yes, Shyam, think of me as crazy — that will be enough for me. I can’t write any more. Perhaps I’ll never see you again, but by reading this letter every day, I’ll meet you again and again. Just take care of yourself... we’ll meet again in another life, where perhaps you’ll look at me too.
Yours,
Ramana Sakhi
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